Jane's Story

Jane’s* marriage had come to end in 2016 and she and her two children lived alone at their home; the children visited dad often. Jane felt lonely and her daughter suggested she find a new boyfriend and that she deserved some happiness. Jane had never used social media before however she met Allan quite quickly and before she knew it, she had rented out her family home and moved in with him. The children came with her although continued to spend time with their dad whenever they wanted to.

Jane and Allan both worked during the day and soon began to spend a lot of time together drinking on an evening. This led to arguments and quite quickly Allan started using violence against Jane. Jane had never experienced this before and was shocked. Within the first couple of months of being together Allan had head butted Jane breaking her nose and lip. Her son saw this happen, the police were called and social services advised Jane that her son couldn’t stay with her while Allan was around. As Jane now rented a house with Allan and her own home was rented out, she felt she had no choice but to arrange for her son to permanently live with his dad. Her daughter left home as she was old enough to find her own place. This left Jane isolated and she missed seeing the children regularly.

After the first incident, the police told Jane about ‘Claire’s Law’ and so she asked for a disclosure. They told Jane about occasions when they had been called out to incidents in which Allan had been violent to his previous partner but that he had not been cautioned or charged with any offences. She didn’t tell Allan about this.

Over the coming months Jane experienced what she now knows was controlling behaviour. Allan would grab her mobile phone and question who she had been talking to. He smashed up several phones. He would get angry and say that she was cheating on him. Within a month of the first violent assault they got into another argument resulting in Jane being kicked in the abdomen, punched in the face, scratched with keys, bitten and threatened with a knife. Jane called 999 and Allan had fled by the time an ambulance arrived. Jane’s physical and mental health were compromised and she lost her job. Her mum and dad were around but she kept this all from them.

Over the following two years Jane and Allan’s relationship was on and off. He was bailed for assault however he was constantly drawn back to Jane and she felt sorry for him. He regularly threatened to kill himself. Five further serious assaults took place involving strangulation, punches to the head and being stamped on. As well as this Allan would come into the house (despite a restraining order being in place) and her car was found smashed up more than once. Jane lived in fear that he was watching her and had to change her mobile phone many times as he kept finding her number and messaging her, especially late in the night. Despite being in court for battery the case was dismissed.

Jane was trapped; she still owned her own home but had fallen back badly on mortgage payments and there was a tenant living in it. She had not paid the rent on the home she had been sharing with Alan and the landlord was seeking possession. She was certain Allan was sometimes hiding in the garden or in the garage during the night and was frightened. She had a short period at a refuge but didn’t feel that they understood her. Jane went to CAB to try to get her housing problems sorted and to get advice on rising levels of debt. They helped her arrange a Debt Relief Order. She moved out of the home she had shared with Allan and into one of her own. Jane’s financial hardship meant that she asked for help on many occasions with paying her rent, with food and other household essentials. Sometimes Jane was helped and sometimes she was told that she wasn’t eligible. Jane found this very hard not least because she felt everyone should understand how badly she was suffering.

The last violent incident was in September 2017 when Jane was assaulted by Allan whilst out walking her dog. She has not seen him since and has cut off all communication with him. Throughout her experience Jane has kept a diary and she is using this to help with her recovery. Jane wants to make sure her story is shared so that others do not go through what she has experienced. Jane feels strongly that lots of professionals knew that she was in and out of a violent abusive relationship but didn’t maintain their intervention. Jane feels that the professionals that were around her felt that she had ‘made her own choices’. Looking back Jane doesn’t feel she had any choice and desperately wanted someone to take her out of the situation she found herself in.

* Names have been changed - Photo by Valdemars Magone on Unsplash